Boy did I suck ass this weekend

On Phil Mickelsons birthday weekend what better way to spend it then at home, shoveling his fatty face with some Baskin Robbins ice cream bday cake. You know this guy just wanted to make it a short weekend so he can go to Vegas and party with drugs, alcohol, strippers, movie stars and media alike...wait he's not Tiger, more like go home and whine and cry about how old he's getting and that nobody on the PGA tour likes him, he's sick of the comparisons to Tiger, he doesn't even resemble looking like an athlete of some sort, Why he's wearing a bowling wrist supporter on his left hand? and how his own kid never chooses to play as his own father on Tiger Woods 07 for ps3. Dude shot a remarkable 72 thursday, and a 77 on Friday, thus missing the cut to play Oakmont for The U.S Open Championship until Sunday. The body language was almost as graceful as a 3 ton sealion shitting himself, like a 9 year-old child titfit who wants McDonald's but Mom just bought some tampons and said NO, damnit he wants his happymeal!. The taking off of the hat and running hand through the hair, shows his mental thoughts screaming "I hate this game, why do I still fucking play this stupid game", the standing club toss 20 feet straight up into the air and the raise of both hands to the sky (as pictured above) asking the almighty above "God I hate this game,why do I still fucking play this stupid game?" after a chip into the sand, the power thrust of his putter into the green of one of the most prestigious courses finally causing him to lean over to his caddie and ask "hey bro I hate this game, why do I still fucking play this stupid game?"...Classy!! Of course Sergio Garcia and Colin Montgomerie didn't hack it either and the course may be a little out of shape due to weather, but this is my column damnit. I mean you gotta bring your A game to the U.S Open, you being an American better come out and represent hard YO. The Brits would love nothing more then to come down and steal a States title from "Us Americans", then go sip on a fag inside their mini cooper or somethin. So thanks so much for the effort Hefty... go getcha fuckin shinebox

-db