Just an update on a tired month of sports...The Weekly Rant

You know it's bad when you love to write but nothing is compelling you to get on your blog and talk your best smack on anything the sportsworld has to offer, alas I have sucked it up and some golden turds have plopped on the cutting room for so away I go!

-My officionado sport held it's annual All Star game last night and HOOOOOLY shit was it another AL dominated, weak excuse for a Mid Season Classic..as usual. Sure the score was 5-4 but was it really folks? On paper these teams stack up! stack up my ass with jelly shot up it with a bow and arrow. I'm starting a campaign to blow up the National League right now who's comin with me? lemme see hands? Bush you in?...sorry I didn't mean bomb them literally lets just slide it out the backdoor if you will. 11 games in a row lost to the AL and we'll just let the World Series W-L record speak for itself...because the Cards got lucky. Trade all the players to real teams in the AL and let's abolish this pitchers hit nonsense, because half of them look like they haven't taken a hack with anything minus a flyswatter in years, honestly when Pedro Martinez and Randy Wolf step up to the plate I'd rather watch the Arizona softball team play an inning....and another inning...annnnd another inning, mmmm. Oh btw Ichiro played perfect baseball that night studlike, but apparently Albert Pujols is makin noise that he was pissed to be benched and not starting the game. Great! just what La Russa needs right now a slow start with the defending world champs, DUI, death of a player, now his franchise player is upset, the shits hittin the ice cream...and thats ice cream I refuse to eat my friends. So far the season is actually intriguing to me...I feel like a mark for saying this but interest in the Bonds Aharon chase has lifted for me, and now I'll throw up. A comeback year for A Rod is impressive to be watching, a young Milwaukee Brewers team blossoming in front of our eyes, *cough* the Angels killin it, a 460 zagabillion dollar asian pitcher not exactly owning up to potential, almost every star player having a slow start and watching the new breed Reyes, Sizemore, Hamels and Haren step into the spotlight. Baseball is being played again, the game..remember it? Squeezes, hit and runs, stolen bases, and sacrifice flies...Im sick of this grip it and rip it shit.

- Walker got robbed! but in more important news...Chauncey Billups is stayin put in Detroit, so important for them. Rashard Lewis and Jeff Van Gundy will head to Orlando, in what I think won't put them over the top but are great additions to a young talented team. In Young derailed teams the Lakers are eyeing Derek Fisher to run the commands back at point/shooting guard bleh his 0.3 jumpshot isn't gonna help this team either...lump em in with the NL and yes please blow up the Lakers for cryin out loud the franchise is not what it was anymore, so sad...a bi polar superstar and a drunk driving owner! wait maybe this is gna get hmmm better?. Hey Grant Hill went to the Suns...and I gotta say this ZzzzZZZZ doesn't ZzzzzZZzz rebounding? ZzzzzZzzzz injury prone ZzzzzZzzzzZ Scarlett Johannsen! and I'm back. Tony Parker got married to his bitch, for the rest of his life...put on your collar, wag your tail, and go for a walk buddy but wait for her to take you, bleht. Kapono got paid yo!

-If you want NFL news ask Billy or Greg to write a column

-A lot of people hate him, but you can't deny that the man can race. None other then the rainbow warrior Jeff Gordon himself, HOT DOG!! YEE haw brotherrr! I'll admit I've jumped on the Nascar bandwagon and it feels good. Go to an event and watch it, the noise, the speed, the cool breeze in my hair I think i'm getting moist just talkin about it. Dude is comparable to Tiger right now in double figures in top 10 and 5 finishes, and tied for first in Wins...not to mention has a bomb ass girlfriend (honestly which Nascar girlfriend/wive isn't hot though). It's not like he's just doin it for the first time either y'all YeeHAWW, sorry. He's been doin it for a while and nothin seems to be stoppin him soon, except maybe for Jimmie Johnson ohhhh burn!

-if you want Tennis and Bowling news shoot yourself, and if the sports month gets any slower I will be reporting on the tiddly wink and backgammon world championships this weekend

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OH IT'S ON!!!

Continuing my tangential coverage of non-major sports, let's turn our heads and jaws to the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating), and it's highly-prized icon, Takeru Kobayashi.

TURNS OUT he is going to competing at Nathan's famous hotdog eating contest on July 4th. For those who didn't know, dude was recently on the DL with jaw arthritis and debilitating growth of wisdom teeth, saying he could only open his mouth a few inches before wincing in pain.

"A muscle is tight around the jaw because of the injury, and I have some medicines and creams to do various experiments to try to loosen up the muscle, so that's the thing I'm trying to do right now," Mr. Kobayashi said. He wears a mouthpiece when he's not eating to realign the jaw, he said.

Doctors told him he is facing a long recovery process, but he's putting his energy into this week's contest, he said.

Why?? Fans of Kobayashi rooted himon through his rehab, critics claimed competitive sham (to which Koba replied, "That's not even funny. I don't even have time to think about that." lol nice), and viewers cried out travesty, like "basketball-with-kobe". So with some intense therapy Kobayashi is now convinced he'll compete. Especially to try and reclaim his title against Californian scarfer, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut and his earth shattering 59 hotdog record just over a month ago, topping Kobayashi's all-time record of 54.

Everyone likes international brawls, and the audience has got to be split 50/50 on this one. Unlike our pic of Stryker and Scorpion facing off above in Ultimate Mortal Kombat (and btw no one liked Stryker, did they?--dude was fat, lame, and used a gatling gun, in a fighting game, whereas next to Sub-Zero Scorpion was the big fan fave), Jaws and Kobayashi are down to draw even crowds of both Koba fans and patriotic souls looking to take the crown for what Americans truly do best, more than the entire world--eat ourselves into fat oblivion. Go Jaws!!! REPRESENT!!!