There is officially nothing going on In sports this week

So other then mail it in and watch small sports news bits that aren't even worth repeating come off the wire and talk smack about em, I guess I'll just give you a small taste of the fascinating week in sports we just had.

1. Chris Benoit was to report to a PPV event for the WWE this weekend and did not show up, but supposably made text messages to certain WWE stars that listed his physical address repeatedly. After the no show and the odd reporting of the texts the WWE then called the Police and after time they ended up finding Benoit his wife and his small child dead. Murder Murder and suicide has the whole wrestling community on it's head spinning. Sad story and I just don't have the heart to run smack on this one. I use to watch WWE and WCW back in the day, and Benoit if you don't know never really got his time in the spotlight but was definitely a good athlete and according to the wrestling community was one of the few left in the business who's talent outweighed appeal in the ring.

2. NBA trade rumors flying all over the place not to mention the draft which will take place tonight. Kobe to Chicago, KG to Boston, Marion to Indiana, West to Orlando, Magic to Charlotte, D. Brown sent to play overseas (and take that stupid dunk with you!), Divac to star in a new movie with Sasha Vujacic and Vlad Rodmanovich called "Shoot da ball good?". Greg Oden goin to the Trailblazers tonight will be your number one pick and it should be interesting to actually see if anyone is actually dealt anywhere, stay tuned!

3. The Red Sox got swept by the Mariners, I think everyone in sports saw this coming...right? errrrrrrr "shoot da ball good?"

4. Maria Sharapova and Tatiana Glovin are at Wimbledon this week, and if you enjoy seeing hot girls sweat and pound tennis balls at each other while simultaneously letting out an oprgasmic "ahhhh" at the contact point, watch these two!! It's as close as you can get to porn with no cable, plus you can tell your girl your just studying up on women's sports. Wow what a man!!

Ya so I told you, not much goin on kids best bet is to watch the drama unfold tonight at the NBA draft and hope regular season baseball starts to pick it up because this Bonds HR watch ain't gettin any play here...Gdayyyyyyy sir!

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Are You Not Entertained??!!

Every time I see this show I'm inspired all over again. After another fantastic episode last night, this is what I thought before, and some more thoughts:

4/14/07
So i turned on the tv last night and guess what was on ESPN classics: American Gladiators! Man did it bring back some memories. it got me thinking: what with all the garbage reality shows on TV today, how is American Gladiators NOT on the air? i mean what can possibly be more entertaining that watching regular joes getting hammered by 'roided-out meatheads in red white and blue spandex? Nothing! In fact, I say if they bring it back, they not only keep the spandex, but also the cheesy gladiator names, the mortal kombat-looking referee, and the bad hairdos. Tell me Malibu's surf mullet and Nitro's overzealous anger arent the greatest things you've ever seen on live television....

Fast forward to present: Three late-night-snack-and-hanging-with-the-girlfriend-on-couch-watching-random-tv episodes later, I'm still sent into awe and side splitting laughter. Who knows why they pulled this show. I mean it ran a good course, some 6 years, spanning a dozen or so gladiators and about 20 different events, but I look at television today and wonder, "where are you, high school running back turned actor turned extreme athletic competitor?? o where art thou -5% body fat arms bigger than most men's legs sweaty-perm she-ra?"
And although the early season shows look just rundown and underbudgeted now--the old wrestling mats (bland red and blue), experimental gadgets (things breaking, falling apart, twisting together, or players just not using them right), and shadowed crowd of 4 rows back (I know, they filmed at universal studios what can you expect?), TODAY, all these setbacks would be eliminated and American Gladiators would look more badass than ever before. I envision a more refined version of the later seasons, when they discovered the art of dimming the house, shining the equipment, and flashing strobelights from the rafters.
So what can YOU do to help resurrect this ageless classic?? That's an excellent question! Luckily, I found this petition online aimed at bringing the American Gladiators back to your living room. After my signature, they've got 10,163 petitioners. And look, let's face it. If you're a dude born in the early 80's you have a moral obligation to sign this petition. I mean just look at the episode of Family Matters when Urkel and Carl competed on AG against one another?? That was sweet, 'cause they came out dead even after the Eliminator and we all know that never happens. It's usually a blowout, even on comebacks. Either way, if that episode didn't make you want to be a contender on American Gladiators growing up, then Ice is uglier than your face in the morning.
Oh and I also posted a clip of Turbo's punching of a contestant in Swingshot in the random videos section to the right. Use it to rejunvinate your American "juices"--- I dunno about you but I'm cooking up a list of new events I wanna see if they do raise this show from the depths. Hm if I may be so bold this just might be a recurring segment.

My Sister beat Derrick Lee up today

Boy oh boy the tempers on these guys, brawls everywhere... first of all I gotta say this was a big boy fight. A fastball from Padre Pitcher Chris Young grazed the face of Derrick Lee and Lee took offense while walkin over to take his base. Chris Young stands at 6'10 and Derrick Lee stands at 6'5, but don't let that fool you. I give props to Lee for squaring up on Young, eyeing him down then finally lettin the female gangstah in him out. Turns out C.Young was actually tellin him "dude brah I wasn't throwin at your head...that's my skull, nahaha" apparently Lee didn't catch it and said "whatchoo said bout my mama?" and immediately threw a punch equally hard as a 3rd grade girl can throw and missed Young by about oh eternity's physical square footage mass. Young then woke up and startin layin wood repeatedly, dudes pretty conservative on the mound and with his demeanor, but he was all over it, and did his best Mayweather impression. Lee coincidentally follows Piniella as he runs out and tries to stop things, lets his whole team get in front of him and starts pointing fingers and yellin things we can't say in a PG movie...tough! somehow Piniella ended up on the floor and Jake Peavy looked like someone just fooled around with his little sister and went apeshit. 5 game suspensions were given today during the fallout and fines I'm sure will start tallying in due time. Can't we all just get along? just for a little bit?
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I.Snell. As in...I Snell A Buncha Wussies!

This little blurb, according to mlb.com:

Ian Snell will miss his scheduled start Tuesday with a burn blister on his right index finger. Snell burned his finger while grilling chicken for a salad he was preparing for himself. He thought he'd be able to pitch Tuesday anyway, but the Pirates aren't going to take any chances. With the off day Monday, he can easily be pushed back to Saturday. Tom Gorzelanny will be moved up to get the start on Tuesday

I just love these stories where we get to find out the inside scoop on athlete's going-ons at home and the intricate details of their injuries..

JUST KIDDING. Shut up and play ball!!! as we like to say. I don't care if you burned yourself. Or if you were cooking chicken at the time. Not even if it was out of Wade Boggs' cookbook-- just euphemize it as a "domestic mishap," wrap it up, and move on. Your club's at the bottom of the central division barrel; tell your pitching staff you're not afraid of tainting your 5th ranked ERA and you wanna go out there and pitch, dammit! Don't forget you're a PIRATE for godsake. See that WWJD bracelet (What Would Johnny(Depp) Do?) on your burnt hand? Good! Think of allll the pirates before you who fought for their rightfully deserved booty with ONE EYE and ONE LEG and pull yourself together.

Come to think about it, maybe Snell pulled a Vlad Ram and lied about it to avoid breaching statutes of contract. Broke a bone shredding the alpines of Colorado? Now ya slipped on a patch of ice. Secretly indulging in your favorite hawaiian pasttime, fire juggling??? Oops, looks like now I burned my finger on a piece of chicken. Maybe he really is cooler than I thought. But I guess we'll never know.

Coming or Going?...do we even care anymore?

Turncoat Bryant met in Spain with Jerry Buss yesterday and asked to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers to a team in the Eastern Conference or a competitior in the West. Bryant's huge concern is the direction of the franchise and how lackluster it has been over the years. Last month Bryant fired the first shot on Dan Patricks radio show demanding to be traded, but later retreated after talking to Coach Phil jackson one on one. The Lakers then vowed to make some changes and to build around Bryant (wow, what a concept), but thus have not since and obviously with this news Bryant is growing tired of the idleness which has loomed GM Mitch Kupchak since the leaving of Jerry West. Teams discussed in possible trades have been Phoenix (don't even think about it), New York (Bryant loves MSG), and Chicago (Best bet considering the talent the Lakers can acquire for Bryant). No word yet on if Bryant has already retracted his comments for a 10th time, and wants to take the Lakers to another title because he bleeds purple and gold and wants to be a Laker for life, yadda yadda yadda. My thoughts on the matter...DO something!! Bryant as erratic as his behavior has been since the fallout between him and Shaq and the Denver case has a point, although I think he's jumping the gun here and this all may be a ploy to get the front office to pick their thumb out of their ass, the moves Kupchak and Co. have made the last couple years are dumbfounding. Albeit salary cap is a factor the choices of players the Lakers have signed talentwise and court smarts are non existant. In no way should I feel they should trade the greatest player in the game, but in no way do I still feel he makes his team better no matter who he plays with. As much as this year he did accept a leader role, his teammates are either too gunshy to choose to follow him or they just don't want to!...and thats a reflection on his character a reflection that tells me when the lights are on Kobe plays leader, but when the lights are off there is no Kobe. He's very quick to point fingers on the court, and to a team that is young there's nothing worse then your leader making you look stupid in front of 20,000 people no less a National audience. Remember the showtime Lakers? Kobe needs to take some notes on Leadership...not once did Magic do this, sure he ripped into em everyone deserves a ripping, but calling out your teammates is a different story. Either way there's trouble in Tinsletown and the Lakers Organization is under tremendous pressure to turn this around quick, with absolutely no room for error. The Fans want change, Kobe wants change and so does Jack Nicholson...get off your ass and make a statement your the LA Lakers for crying outloud.
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IchirO-WNED!!! ...at least, I think.

You'd think Cleveland had enough gripes to ruminate over, what with the NBA Finals sweep and growing popverty rates and all; but Ichiro Suzuki's gotta kick em while they're down! Ichiro's most recent media blurb went in regards to Seattle's makeup game in Cleveland last week, and how he feels about having to be there to play baseball:

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

WAAAHAHAHA. Good one. So lemme get this straight--you'd actually pass up the opportunity to visit a state where it is officially "illegal to mistreat anything of great importance" and "fish for whales on Sunday"? C'mon! But if we follow this logic you have to hope that Ichiro never gets sent back to Japan for any reason. He'd probably kill himself. Aaanyway, I think it's that time to look at more historical Ichiro mis-quotes:

[This, from after he missed a fly ball a couple weeks ago:]
"The ball became the same color as the sky,'' he said, through interpreter Ken Barron. "So, I wasn't able to see it ... I was sending mental signals for the ball not to come my way, because during that time of day it's impossible for me to see the ball so I lacked mental signals. I lacked in that area.'
"Usually, I don't send mental signals," Ichiro replied. "So, because this is the first time, I thought, please don't come my way."

[On discussing the Mariners struggles mid-season last year:]
"If there is a problem, we need to notice what creates the problem. The problem usually isn't just on the cover. You need to look much deeper. For example, if we're talking about a tree and the tree has a problem, you need to look at the root. But you cannot see the root. The mistake is to keep watering the fruit. That's not going to solve anything."

Asked what he'd miss about Japanese baseball, Ichiro once said, "There is nothing I will miss about Japanese baseball. Off the field, I will miss my dog." Asked his dog's name, Ichiro said, "I would not wish to say without first asking its permission."

As he does after every game, Ichiro rubs a six-inch wooden stick up and down the sides and bottoms of his feet, massaging the pressure points. Once when asked the name of the device he was using, he said, "Wood."

When asked what he would like to do on an off-day, Ichiro answered, "I want to watch American kids playing baseball in a grass field, running around, and getting hoarse in the voice with my wife."

"If I'm in a slump, I ask myself for advice.”

"The Japanese have a strong tendency to suppress their own feelings. That's the Japanese character. They kill their own emotions.”

[Or the one about when when he broke up a tie 12 or 13 innings in:]

"...when I was playing, inside my head I was saying, ‘I want to go home quickly,’ and I swung and hit it because I wanted to go home,” Ichiro said through interpreter Ken Barron. "Today I thought, ‘I want to hurry up and get something to eat,’ and I swung and I hit it."

Once at a Mariners/A's game, fans in the right-field bleachers taunted him with racial shouts and and threw quarters and ice at him. Afterward, asked what happened, Ichiro said — "Something came out of the sky and hit me." Asked how much money he collected, Ichiro said, "I couldn't tell if it was rain or money coming down." Asked if something like this had ever happened to him in Japan, he said, "Of course it happened there. Anytime you come in as a visiting team, things fall out of the sky. The gods once threw an aluminum can at me."


In the end, I can't tell if each case is a continual broken record of bad translating, or if Ichiro is really just f-ing with us and he purposely comes up with this stuff so that when he goes out to party with drinking buddies Kenji Kohjima and the dudes from MXC they have enough stupid-American jokes to go around. Either way, dude cracks me up.

"Baseball wrong! Man with four ball cannot walk." ~Ancient Ichiro Proverb

Boy did I suck ass this weekend

On Phil Mickelsons birthday weekend what better way to spend it then at home, shoveling his fatty face with some Baskin Robbins ice cream bday cake. You know this guy just wanted to make it a short weekend so he can go to Vegas and party with drugs, alcohol, strippers, movie stars and media alike...wait he's not Tiger, more like go home and whine and cry about how old he's getting and that nobody on the PGA tour likes him, he's sick of the comparisons to Tiger, he doesn't even resemble looking like an athlete of some sort, Why he's wearing a bowling wrist supporter on his left hand? and how his own kid never chooses to play as his own father on Tiger Woods 07 for ps3. Dude shot a remarkable 72 thursday, and a 77 on Friday, thus missing the cut to play Oakmont for The U.S Open Championship until Sunday. The body language was almost as graceful as a 3 ton sealion shitting himself, like a 9 year-old child titfit who wants McDonald's but Mom just bought some tampons and said NO, damnit he wants his happymeal!. The taking off of the hat and running hand through the hair, shows his mental thoughts screaming "I hate this game, why do I still fucking play this stupid game", the standing club toss 20 feet straight up into the air and the raise of both hands to the sky (as pictured above) asking the almighty above "God I hate this game,why do I still fucking play this stupid game?" after a chip into the sand, the power thrust of his putter into the green of one of the most prestigious courses finally causing him to lean over to his caddie and ask "hey bro I hate this game, why do I still fucking play this stupid game?"...Classy!! Of course Sergio Garcia and Colin Montgomerie didn't hack it either and the course may be a little out of shape due to weather, but this is my column damnit. I mean you gotta bring your A game to the U.S Open, you being an American better come out and represent hard YO. The Brits would love nothing more then to come down and steal a States title from "Us Americans", then go sip on a fag inside their mini cooper or somethin. So thanks so much for the effort Hefty... go getcha fuckin shinebox

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I'm Gonna make these sidelines look gooooooood

The NFL has finally granted the wishes of Mike Nolan, your San Francisco 49ers head coach the greenlight to go ahead and wear a suit on the sidelines during his homegames this year. Since Reebok supplies all the clothing and jerseys for the NFL, being the official sponsor they tailored a couple suits for him last year and will do so again this year. Armani, Hugo Boss, Calvin Klein and ahhh yess Reebok...you know theres nothin better then gettin dolled up in my Reebok suit and smokin a cigar or havin a drink with the ladies. I didn't see what the big deal about wearin a suit on the sidelines was anyway, but Reebok? I mean the last thing I think about when I hear formal wear is Reebok. Hell I'd wear Nike, Adidas, New Balance, Converse, Pro Wings, Pf Flyers, Snikes, and even FUBU before I'd wear Reebok...ya thats right for us by us, send me the check LL. Generally I prefer a tuxedo to a suit, maybe a top hat with built in headphones...how kick ass would Bill Parcells have looked in a royal blue cowboys tuxedo.
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Congratulations 2007 Champio...OK I'm Bored.

What's the hulabaloo about? The NBA Finals were over on May 18. RECAP, May 18: Spurs beat an Amare-less Phoenix Suns in Round 2.
The rest is just formalities.

This recent sweep over the King's Cavs instantly reminds me of the 2002 Lakers sweep over the New Jersey Nets in the Finals. "Who-Jersey??", read banners and t-shirts in the crowd. And by all accounts, the Finals that year were ALSO determined in the West, with LA scraping by Sacramento in a dramatic Game 6 & 7. San Antonio mirrored that idea this time around, winning yet another championship. They're pretty damn good.

I gotta say though, and this goes out to all sportswriters and media fools--please, do NOT call this a dynasty. The last thing the NBA needs is to over-glorify this team's greatness. Come to think about it, the fact that Robert Horry now has seven championship rings (1 more than MJ btw), perfectly personifies this dangerous labeling of "dynasty" for the Spurs: asterisks all over the place.

For example, if they were a "dynasty," they would've won non-asterisked back-to-back championships. Thats what dynasties do, show both dominant power and succession. Look at the real world. Ancient Chinese Dynasties of yore didn't let some foreign leaders run their governments and militaries for a little while then go back to being a dynasty. In that same respect, if the Spurs are now a dynasty, then they were awful nice about letting Shaq and Kobe's Lakers take over their dynasty for 3 straight years! Not to mention out of the last 9 years in this "reign," the Spurs have only had the best league record ONCE. Dominant power? I think not.

Anyway. The whole labeling of dynasty thing is irrelevant. Almost as irrelevant as seeing the words "Game 5: if necessary" on the NBA Finals Series breakdown, or wondering how good it must feel to be Tony Parker right now. Either way, I'm not hating (yes I am) on the Spurs. Good job. You definitely are that much-respected (albeit boring as !#@&^ to watch) well-oiled machine we've all fatally accepted you to be. And although I'd opt to pay money and watch Deleted Scenes from Catwoman for two hours rather than one of your yawn-induced regular season games for free on NBC (on a weekend), I think that between your fans flaunting signs of "WITNESS THIS" next to an image of four Finals trophies, and Michael Finley holding the championship game ball saying, "I might just put it in the bed between me and my wife," there might just be some hope for you guys and that other title you won with this series ("Worst Televised Finals Series Ever") after all.

...Actually, don't quote me on that.

Uh! - Ohhhhhhhhh

Zzzzzz ZZZZzzz Zzzzzzz...Wake up!!!! And they have. With Soriano I didn't really know what to expect, I mean a new team (a shitty one at that), new pressure, and a pitchers ballpark to deal with. I think the guy hasn't really gotten it from the media and or fans all that much, he's definitely underproduced but it just seemed like sooner or later you hoped he would come around, but not exactly KNEW if he was. What happens at Wrigley the first two months of the season is clear. Since the stadium is close to the shore in April and May the wind tends to blow inward toward home plate and the temperature is very cold. In june July to the summer things warm up and the wind starts to blow to right field as opposed to right at the hitter. In day games balls will start flyin out, and Wrigley is notorious for day games so Soriano is seeing this process and taking full advantage (6 homeruns in the past 7 days). This still doesn't neglect going on the road and producing, he has slumped but I see a change, a good one because had he hit his batting coach like Zambrano did Barrett that would suck, actually that woulda been hilarious and I probably would have wrote about it again. Soriano isn't exactly a big feller, maybe the coach coulda takin him. As for Pujols everybody in the worrrrrrrrrrld knew this cat was gonna come around, dude has been solid since he stepped foot on a baseball field. Slump? whats a slump? a slump for Pujols is batting .290, with 10 homeruns in a month. This year however has been different, and I mainly base it on the morale of the reigning champs. They've played badly, lost their ace and their other starters aren't exactly killin it (Anthony Reyes Cal Hi Grad SP is 0-8 ouch), their bats aren't there and if you thought Adam Kennedy was gonna come and win a batting title I will personally come meet you to kick you in the nuts. These things are cancerous and their infectious. It seems like now Pujols has regained his composure and decided you know what? f*ck it let's go get some tacos. Pujols as of the 5th inning today against the Angels has also hit 6 homers in 7 days and his average is steadily climbing over .300 after once reaching .229 at one point. The game isn't even over yet so unless they walk Pujols I foresee him hitting another 13 hrs in the next 4 innings.

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Locked and Loaded

Things lookin up? Ahhhh I wouldn't go that far, but it was nice to see the return of arguably the most heralded pitcher (Go ask his 7 Cy Youngs if you don't believe me) in this era take the mound in pinstripes. Are his midseason auction bids getting ridiculous from team to team? possibly...Is he getting old? yes...Is he still effective? definitely. At 44 obviously his fastball is not going to be what it used to be, but like they all say as long as he commands his secondary pitches (splitter) a high eighties fastball can be just as effective as a mid 90's. As far as the return he earned a quality start giving up 3 striking out 7, in 6 innings. He looked excited, antsy, a tad shaky in the early going...I think I even saw Jeter at the mound givin him a little balltap to cool him off and they shared a laugh. "it's just great to be back","it felt like old times" said Rocket, "this is a good ballclub". Hmmm u sure about that Roger? lets see 2 games below .500, and have you even seen how many errors your team makes game to game...Jeter alone already has 11 compared to his 15 ALL of last season. But Alas, it may be a turning point. They have been playing better lately, A Rod is no longer carrying the load seeing as Bobby Abreu finally decided to clock in for work this month, Matsui same goes for you. Is Clemens alone the piece that will take them there, hmmm no. I think he is a sparkplug tho, he gives a little fire every five nights he pitches and on a team full of robots emotion is bueno, muy bueno...right Cano? "si!!". They do need Giambi back soon, the bats are heated but besides Arod there really isn't that much of a long ball threat. This is the Yankees folks, it's not like were talking strategy here, or small ball like the Angels. Plug them in and pretty much hope they hit seems to be the mauntra (sp?...i should look it up). It's worked before and who knows with the year Arods having maybe he'll just put em on his back and take em to that coveted Wildcard spot, because Bostons runnin away with it, and this is the last year A Rod will be there for one last hoorah.

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Paying the Bill

"There's no CRYING in baseball!"
So lastly on the Zambrano/Barrett fiasco, Carlos says all is well. A day after the blowout, the two met up to discuss the situation and how to put it behind them.
"He came to me the next day, and he apologized and I apologized to him and we cried," a teary-eyed Zambrano said after he beat the Milwakee Brewers on Wednesday. "I still love him." (ESPN.COM)
What the f---. Remember that scene in Bull Durham where Kevin Costner pops an arrogant Tim Robbins in the mouth and tells him he's Tim's new catcher? Yeah, that didn't end in tears, and the word love was never uttered as far as I could remember. And I would have turned it off if it had. Costner bought him a beer and the two played ball the next day. Fight over.
"It was over the moment it happened for me. There were no hard feelings," says Michael Barrett regarding the situation. With such a quick statement, you gotta wonder if he's ready punch Zambrano in the mouth again for telling the world they shared a cry. Maybe the drama between Thelma and Louise is not quite over, stay tuned.

Game 1, NBA Finals: Spurs 85, Cavs 76
Come on. This is actually surprising to some of you? Cleveland has no chance. They aren't playing Dallas, nobody is gonna get the shakes and start raining bricks in San Antonio. It's a combination of matchups, relentless double-teams on LeBron, and the inability of anyone in a Cavs uniform to help King James. Not to mention this is possibly the best Spurs team since the Duncan era began. Its almost like going up against a foreign team. The Spurs have had the same core for years, same coach, same structure. A huge advantage to play together so long, then you see the playoff experience they share. Sick. They don't falter under pressre, they don't change their style and they rarely relax with a lead. The only thing that's gonna make this one interesting is the refereeing. The NBA is notorious for putting "pushover" type refs on the floor that appeal to the home crowd when a series looks completely predictable. Just wait til the series goes to Cleveland. LeBron will get to the line quite a bit more and calls will favor the Cavs at just the right moments. Regardless, I say they take one at home, series over.
Bill's projection: SPURS IN 5

Major announcements
-Trevor Hoffman, 500 career saves. At Home. Against my Dodgers. Yay.
-Miami: The Dolphins acquire Trent Green, all but guaranteeing Daunte Culpeppers exit. However, Culpepper who is owed $51.5 million through 2013 would have to restructure his deal to make a trade possible. His response? "Any team that's interested in my services, just sit tight, I'm not going to agree to a trade."
-Paris Hilton (can't resist!): Back in jail a day after being ordered to house arrest. An angry judge sent her screaming into police custody after stating that LA County Sherriff Lee Baca had no jursisdiction to alter the sentence given in court 5 days earlier. She was hauled back to court in handcuffs (and tears, but thankfully this is not baseball related) and went into fits of crying and screaming when ordered back to the Lynwood detention facility. We can all exhale and feel a tad bit better about our justice system.

Well, thats all I got for now. I had to make news out of no news and the Ducks winning the Stanley Cup is just too unimportant to do the job. Check please!

LeBron: Finals vs. Birth of 2nd Son? HMMM.

LeBron James might miss Game 5 on June 17 in Cleveland if his girlfriend Savannah Brinson, goes into labor with the couple's second child (she is expecting on that date.) Well, those dates are never EXACT, but let's entertain the thought. I think they should just cut the debate and bring LeBron's g/f to the arena for the night. If she needs to have the kid, don't they any have medical personnel back there? Handle it. Maybe at half time bring the kid out to mid-court and christen him to basketball as heir apparent like in the Lion King. Get David Stern to be Rafiki and raise baby Simba/LeBron in the air, then, with the half-time performers in front the crowd behind them will bow down and cheer as they play a Tag Team version of Elton's John's "Circle of Life" throughout the Quicken Loans Arena.

Alas though, my vision may not come true if for some reason she wants the baby delivered at a actual hospital or something. No big deal, says LeBron. According to an interview with ESPN LeBron said that it will be tough, but that his g/f knows that he "is not going to miss another game...she knows how much I love my teammates...I was there for the first birth...."

HOOOO baby LeBron Jr. #2 just got burned!!!

(fast forward 10 years into the future, the James' family going over old photo albums):

LBJ: look kids, that's you at 8 months old, and with your first Nike shoe endorsements too Isn't that adorable.

LBJ-jr#1: And that picture is me, the day I was born. You look so happy, dad.

LBJ: Sure was, son!

LBJ-jr.#2: But where are you in my birth picture, dad?

LBJ: Hmm. interesting...Oh yea now I remember...about that--alright lemme explain. So, seeing as I was already there for LeBron Jr. #1's birth, human nature and physics and stuff tells us that the magic of having more kids goes away with the more kids you have. I mean really, LBJ-jr.#3 over there should be lucky he even got a name, know what I'm saying. Besides, I was trying to win a championship for a fading franchise and forgotten city in the world of basketball, not to mention so that I could provide you kids with a good education and Bentleys. Understand?

LBJ-jr.#2: I guess so....I mean, you guys did end up winning the NBA Finals, right?

LBJ: Hmmm...no...

LBJ-jr.#2: Well at least, you played well on my birthday, right?

LBJ: (ruminates over 14-point performance) Ummmm....

**BUZZZZZZZZ*** (end-game horn)

My Bad Muchachos!! Zambrano apologises

Aye Carumba peeps!! What the hell is happening to the Chicago Cubs, with great offseason signings in Soriano, Lilly, and Floyd not to mention a healthy Derrick Lee...who wouldn't have chosen the Cubs to at least look somewhat decent this year. Nobody predicted pennant because of their division, but come on this is just getting bad. Pitchers and catchers fighting? it's almost like Costner v. Robbins in Bull Durham. The pitcher catcher relationship is a strong one, seeing as everything revolves around them...your supposed to be buddies, like quarterbacks and lineman, not Mayweather and De La Hoya!
"It's all my fault", "I feel bad for that". Your damn right you do Zambrano...let me put it lightly, you just ripped off your balls and singlehandedly placed them in Michael Barretts hands esa, even tho it looks like you gave him a couple good overhands to the face, I saw something else. Zambrano is in a contract year and it really doesn't reflect good on the organization or you period (who would resign a blacksheep in the organization?), and now the man you slapped like a red headed step child is going to be calling the rest of your games in THIS contract year and I bet that makes him feel real powerful seeing as he knows the scouting reports on teams. On the other hand I thought this was actually pretty funny, and so did Piniella seeing as all the pressure was off him for the day on Zambrano for losing his cool and the game. "Go fight the other team if you have to, but amongst yourselves?" Piniella said. As for Barrett well he isn't exactly an angel himself, just ask A.J Pierzynski. He did look like a deer in headlights when he got bitchslapped though, you know that same look he gets when he looks up at the scoreboard to see his .244 average displayed to sold out stadiums, ...yeeeah.

It's a good thing those Cub fans didn't see this goin on, who knows what coulda happened, flooding of the field, fans taking out Jeff Francouer for killing em for 2 doubles and 3 rbi that day. I thought that stuff only happened at Comiskey? hmm. Get your shit together Cubbies and stop watching old baseball comedies, no matter how much of a classic it is!! Hey bartender Joe Boo needs a refill!!

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Stanley Cup Champs!

Just a couple miles down the road from the happiest place on Earth, the unthinkable has happened. No no no Hooters off Katella isn't offering free muff rides. After a name change, a uniform change, venue name change, and front management change the Stanley Cup has been raised above a California team for the first time. The product of a B rated movie at best, you heard me Emilio, who at times early in the Expansion looked like a joke has made a mockery of Kings fans...who are the majority, all over so cal. So many stories on this team, The Nedermayers, The drama with Chris Prongers suspension, the excellence of Jean-Sebastien Giguere and of course papa duck Teemu Selanne. Last year has been redeemed and is a distant memory now, with a lot of the credit I would say has to be going to Brian burke. The new GM came in and sideswiped the organization, turning it from a candyland franchise into a full blown grass roots hockey club, for god sakes the man changed "the pond" into the Honda Center. Many were skeptical about the identity of this club, but more were impressed by the talent and comradery on the ice...which he also had a lot to do with. Hockey as a whole is still in the shitter, you can't see regular season games unless you rig your antenna the same way you used to try and catch a pornflick on basic cable when you were a kid, I think I see a boob! Im actually surprised the Cup even got televised seeing as Americas got talent and Celebrity strippers gone whackotastic was on tonight...oh goody. It's a good sport and theres fighting bitches...but if your not into hockey, go buy a ticket to a game of your choice, experience it, then come back to me and tell me your still not a hockey fan, I dare you...quack quack

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New London Olympics Logo is Gangster

I'll give you 5 seconds to guess what this is. OK 10 seconds.

Give up? Hell I did! At first glance I was sure I was looking at some random design. Interesting. Or maybe, I thought, some tagger felt like taking a break from thug life for a day to promote international unity somewhere--which was cool at first, until I was instructed that the picture actually says something. So I tried reading it: "ZOR!" then "ZOIR," and finally giving up at an olympic symbolic representation of winners and losers--a worm standing on top of the winners podium (on the left), and another worm carrying the 'burden' of loserdom (on the right).

"Dude, it says '2012'," my buddy pointed out. Oh. "That's the year the next summer olympics will be held, in London." "Now I get it," I said (I really didn't). But creators love it. They say "the emblem is flexible and will evolve over the next five years. [it] needs to work across new platforms that reach young people." Critics hate it though, calling it hideous. A recent poll from the New York Times showed that two percent of people gave it a score of 8 out of 10, eight percent of people gave it 7 out of 10, and the other ninety percent gave it satan-clubbing-baby-seals out of 10.

Anyway, what's the big deal? I say. As long as crap like this-

can sell for $6000, we're gold. However, I do wonder though, since organizations like the International Olympics usually have committees working on the screening process for these kinds of things to weed out the bad ideas, what exactly were the bad ideas???

Greg Oden Weighs In as BEAST

The results are in on Predraft Camp in Orlando. The NBA released them last night, making draft brothers from different mothers Greg Oden and Kevin Durant suddenly look as different as vince and johnny drama for our 1st pick drafters the Portland Trailblazers. Durant is still a monster (though it is kinda funny how he was the only guy who couldn't bench the 185 lbs at camp. I mean really though? I can rep that a few times and I haven't lifted for 5 years--guys probably won't realize that being flimsy is bogging them down defensively until they get knocked on their ass by Baron Davis' screen. the Sonics are gonna need Arnold and Bas Ruten to run his defensive workout program), and not downgrading any of the next top 15 prospects, but if there was any doubt whether or not Oden should be selected first this may have ended it--check out his comparative numbers from camp:

Wing Span

Greg Oden: 7'4"
Kevin Durant: 7'4"

Standing reach
Greg Oden: 9'4"
Kevin Durant: 9'2"

Standing & Running jump
Greg Oden: 32" and 33"
Kevin Durant: 26" and 32"

Step Vertical
Greg Oden: 32″
Corey Brewer: 30.5″
Brandon Wright: 30.5″

Max Vertical:
Greg Oden: 34″
Kevin Durant: 33″
Julian Wright: 33 1/2″

Lane Agility:
Greg Oden: 11.67 seconds
Corey Brewer: 11.69 seconds
Brandon Wright: 11.76 seconds
Joakim Noah: 11.79 seconds
Kevin Durant: 12.33 seconds

3/4 Court Sprint:
Aaron Brooks: 3.22 seconds
Greg Oden: 3.27 seconds (almost as fast as Aaron Brooks?? WAT?!)
Kevin Durant 3.45 seconds
Joakim Noah: 3.47 seconds
Brandon Wright: 3.31 seconds
Julian Wright: 3.36 seconds

You should probably notice the 257-lb, seven-footer's speed. With that said, he also has a body-fat percentage of 7.5 %; most big men in the draft and the league range between 11 and 13%.

So maybe the debate about the top pick going to Oden or Durant was NEVER A DEBATE AT ALL and just some story ESPN cooked up to keep it's presses hot and promote the game (even if it is pretty damn preposterous that ANY of these to guys should be expected to prove their game at camp at all). Or maybe by some practical godly joke Oden becomes this generation's Darko and Durant the next LeBron. Either way, numbers don't lie. Athletically, the dude is a beast and I can't wait to watch his NBA game. Said a random observer on the internet of Oden's freakish numbers released on the web, "these numbers are as close to porn as I could ever hope to encounter surfing the internet at work." Hm I guess that's one way of putting it?

Greek God Youkilis-Player Spotlight

Peeps I'm all about giving the little man his due and on a team full of superstars, I stumbled upon a "golden turd" as though it had been placed there from my pug Yoda on a silver Platter.
.353 avg 40 runs 8 hrs 30 rbi and the guys even halled that "Zeus" like body successfully twice over to second on the pitchers first move to the plate,twice!!! So you know the second time wasn't a fluke, this man has the speed of a cheetah at dusk ready to pounce on raw meat when the Zoo trainers finally release dinner that night, THOSE are reflexes eff the safari. A 22 game current hitting streak almost puts to shame the 3 year chowdah eating contest champion which currently is his title. Sources close to me say the goatee provides superhuman strength and a heightened sense of awareness on the field, almost like a spidey sense in the comics if you will. The mans first hit was a homerun in Toronto folks, if this isn't a sign I don't know what is. The guy can play any position on the diamond that you want him to, hell give the guy some slacks and a retarded black little button hat and I'm sure he can ump a game for ya...steeeee riiiiiike. What I'm trying to say is sure he may look like a Pirate of the 7 seas...well maybe not a full on pirate, but a member of the crew, the truck driver honkin his horn wantin girls to show him their racks on the 60 freeway, a serial rapist wanted by state officials dead or alive with a bounty on his head, Dan Aykroyd Dragnet era with a goatee, your future newly born baby straight out of your girls vajayjay...thats a handsome baby. Looks may fool you but this man has to be one of the most special players in the game if I already haven't said enough... Dominican, japanese, Italian (anyone know what italians are sayin half the timeanyway?) players and how does he communicate with them? how has he learned all of these languages he hasn't (and now for your 6th sense best movie ending spin moment for the year) it's simply ESP. He's the only known human to possess this freaklike quality and has has been known to not only read minds, but see the future, he's also good at Math and has served 10 years as a peace corp in Somalia feeding the needy and tending to the sick, he's pretty much the greatest human being alive...You will know his name and you will remember his legacy "Youk n the goat" like dust in the winnebago. You know what I think I'm gonna stop writing and grow myself a goatee...right now.

oh shit wait Entourage is on, fuck that
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strippahhhhh....pleeease

Welll Welll Wellllllll who's "the Captain" now Yankee Fans? Seriously Has this year not been any more better for Alejandro Rodriguez? You want bitches my man's bangin strippers, with a family at home!...you want numbers check out this line .292, 19 hr, 45 rbi, 45 runs...you want a closet little leaguer to show up in your clubhouse, take his 10 year 252 mil contract...you want cheesy Big Brothers of America commercials, done! you want purses, Im sure he's got some somewhere...you want highlighted bangs, he knows the salon that does it. I'm just waiting for this guy to start a New Wave band (tears for queers) with Omar Vizquel or somethin go on tour and just lay wood to women all day, screw the music. Where's the Captain? where's Mr. NY...you ask? well apparently Jeter and A-Rod broke up late last year, A rod couldn't get it up..errr goin in the Playoffs yet again not to mention having the worst defensive year of his life, and things have soured from there. This is obviously a call for help people, the man is spiraling into oblivion and his true love just stands there hovering behind him like the 3b SS combo they are. Alejandro...get ahold of yourself my friend or else we may just end up seeing you back on the Mariners...Fabulousssss
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LeBrON-STOPPABLE

I'm getting ANGRY. You don't want to see me when I'm ANGRRYY!!!!"

So much for questioning LeBron's ability to take over games!

Without question this was the best game of his career, as Cleveland edged Detroit 109-107 in a 2OT win @Auburn Hills. LeBron's line: 48 Points on 18 for 33, 9 Rebounds, 7 Assists, and 2 Steals.

Honestly he looks like a football player running around on a basketball court. Only, holding a basketball and following all the rules of the game of basketball, including all the tricky ones (drawing fouls, executing good hop steps). Guy does not play the game with finesse, does not have the great basketball IQ yet, nor is he graceful, like Maravich, MJ or Magic. But his unstoppability is unlike any player you, me, or Charles Barkley has ever seen. He's probably not human, since as far as I could tell he transformed into the Hulk tonight.

Early in the game Anderson Varejao drove into the lane and got flagrantry fouled by Antonio McDyess and sent hard to the deck. LeBron went bananas, getting all up in the turmoil on the court. Oh by the way, after that he scored 29 of the team's last 30 points. So how do you stop a freight train that barrels through like a jungle cat? Who knows. But tonight Detroit tried the "watch as he jams three straight exploding-off-the-dribble-and-crashing-into-the-hoop dunks in your whole team's (and city's) face" technique. As you can guess it didn't work out that good. Next Stop: Game 6 in Cleveland.

With the Red Wings eliminated, Detroit is looking to the Pistons for hope. Oh what's the matter, an underdog team getting the best of you? *COUGH*miamichicago*COUGH*goldenstatedallas*COUGH*2003-04finalslakerspistons*WHEEZE*