Just an update on a tired month of sports...The Weekly Rant

You know it's bad when you love to write but nothing is compelling you to get on your blog and talk your best smack on anything the sportsworld has to offer, alas I have sucked it up and some golden turds have plopped on the cutting room for so away I go!

-My officionado sport held it's annual All Star game last night and HOOOOOLY shit was it another AL dominated, weak excuse for a Mid Season Classic..as usual. Sure the score was 5-4 but was it really folks? On paper these teams stack up! stack up my ass with jelly shot up it with a bow and arrow. I'm starting a campaign to blow up the National League right now who's comin with me? lemme see hands? Bush you in?...sorry I didn't mean bomb them literally lets just slide it out the backdoor if you will. 11 games in a row lost to the AL and we'll just let the World Series W-L record speak for itself...because the Cards got lucky. Trade all the players to real teams in the AL and let's abolish this pitchers hit nonsense, because half of them look like they haven't taken a hack with anything minus a flyswatter in years, honestly when Pedro Martinez and Randy Wolf step up to the plate I'd rather watch the Arizona softball team play an inning....and another inning...annnnd another inning, mmmm. Oh btw Ichiro played perfect baseball that night studlike, but apparently Albert Pujols is makin noise that he was pissed to be benched and not starting the game. Great! just what La Russa needs right now a slow start with the defending world champs, DUI, death of a player, now his franchise player is upset, the shits hittin the ice cream...and thats ice cream I refuse to eat my friends. So far the season is actually intriguing to me...I feel like a mark for saying this but interest in the Bonds Aharon chase has lifted for me, and now I'll throw up. A comeback year for A Rod is impressive to be watching, a young Milwaukee Brewers team blossoming in front of our eyes, *cough* the Angels killin it, a 460 zagabillion dollar asian pitcher not exactly owning up to potential, almost every star player having a slow start and watching the new breed Reyes, Sizemore, Hamels and Haren step into the spotlight. Baseball is being played again, the game..remember it? Squeezes, hit and runs, stolen bases, and sacrifice flies...Im sick of this grip it and rip it shit.

- Walker got robbed! but in more important news...Chauncey Billups is stayin put in Detroit, so important for them. Rashard Lewis and Jeff Van Gundy will head to Orlando, in what I think won't put them over the top but are great additions to a young talented team. In Young derailed teams the Lakers are eyeing Derek Fisher to run the commands back at point/shooting guard bleh his 0.3 jumpshot isn't gonna help this team either...lump em in with the NL and yes please blow up the Lakers for cryin out loud the franchise is not what it was anymore, so sad...a bi polar superstar and a drunk driving owner! wait maybe this is gna get hmmm better?. Hey Grant Hill went to the Suns...and I gotta say this ZzzzZZZZ doesn't ZzzzzZZzz rebounding? ZzzzzZzzzz injury prone ZzzzzZzzzzZ Scarlett Johannsen! and I'm back. Tony Parker got married to his bitch, for the rest of his life...put on your collar, wag your tail, and go for a walk buddy but wait for her to take you, bleht. Kapono got paid yo!

-If you want NFL news ask Billy or Greg to write a column

-A lot of people hate him, but you can't deny that the man can race. None other then the rainbow warrior Jeff Gordon himself, HOT DOG!! YEE haw brotherrr! I'll admit I've jumped on the Nascar bandwagon and it feels good. Go to an event and watch it, the noise, the speed, the cool breeze in my hair I think i'm getting moist just talkin about it. Dude is comparable to Tiger right now in double figures in top 10 and 5 finishes, and tied for first in Wins...not to mention has a bomb ass girlfriend (honestly which Nascar girlfriend/wive isn't hot though). It's not like he's just doin it for the first time either y'all YeeHAWW, sorry. He's been doin it for a while and nothin seems to be stoppin him soon, except maybe for Jimmie Johnson ohhhh burn!

-if you want Tennis and Bowling news shoot yourself, and if the sports month gets any slower I will be reporting on the tiddly wink and backgammon world championships this weekend

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OH IT'S ON!!!

Continuing my tangential coverage of non-major sports, let's turn our heads and jaws to the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating), and it's highly-prized icon, Takeru Kobayashi.

TURNS OUT he is going to competing at Nathan's famous hotdog eating contest on July 4th. For those who didn't know, dude was recently on the DL with jaw arthritis and debilitating growth of wisdom teeth, saying he could only open his mouth a few inches before wincing in pain.

"A muscle is tight around the jaw because of the injury, and I have some medicines and creams to do various experiments to try to loosen up the muscle, so that's the thing I'm trying to do right now," Mr. Kobayashi said. He wears a mouthpiece when he's not eating to realign the jaw, he said.

Doctors told him he is facing a long recovery process, but he's putting his energy into this week's contest, he said.

Why?? Fans of Kobayashi rooted himon through his rehab, critics claimed competitive sham (to which Koba replied, "That's not even funny. I don't even have time to think about that." lol nice), and viewers cried out travesty, like "basketball-with-kobe". So with some intense therapy Kobayashi is now convinced he'll compete. Especially to try and reclaim his title against Californian scarfer, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut and his earth shattering 59 hotdog record just over a month ago, topping Kobayashi's all-time record of 54.

Everyone likes international brawls, and the audience has got to be split 50/50 on this one. Unlike our pic of Stryker and Scorpion facing off above in Ultimate Mortal Kombat (and btw no one liked Stryker, did they?--dude was fat, lame, and used a gatling gun, in a fighting game, whereas next to Sub-Zero Scorpion was the big fan fave), Jaws and Kobayashi are down to draw even crowds of both Koba fans and patriotic souls looking to take the crown for what Americans truly do best, more than the entire world--eat ourselves into fat oblivion. Go Jaws!!! REPRESENT!!!

There is officially nothing going on In sports this week

So other then mail it in and watch small sports news bits that aren't even worth repeating come off the wire and talk smack about em, I guess I'll just give you a small taste of the fascinating week in sports we just had.

1. Chris Benoit was to report to a PPV event for the WWE this weekend and did not show up, but supposably made text messages to certain WWE stars that listed his physical address repeatedly. After the no show and the odd reporting of the texts the WWE then called the Police and after time they ended up finding Benoit his wife and his small child dead. Murder Murder and suicide has the whole wrestling community on it's head spinning. Sad story and I just don't have the heart to run smack on this one. I use to watch WWE and WCW back in the day, and Benoit if you don't know never really got his time in the spotlight but was definitely a good athlete and according to the wrestling community was one of the few left in the business who's talent outweighed appeal in the ring.

2. NBA trade rumors flying all over the place not to mention the draft which will take place tonight. Kobe to Chicago, KG to Boston, Marion to Indiana, West to Orlando, Magic to Charlotte, D. Brown sent to play overseas (and take that stupid dunk with you!), Divac to star in a new movie with Sasha Vujacic and Vlad Rodmanovich called "Shoot da ball good?". Greg Oden goin to the Trailblazers tonight will be your number one pick and it should be interesting to actually see if anyone is actually dealt anywhere, stay tuned!

3. The Red Sox got swept by the Mariners, I think everyone in sports saw this coming...right? errrrrrrr "shoot da ball good?"

4. Maria Sharapova and Tatiana Glovin are at Wimbledon this week, and if you enjoy seeing hot girls sweat and pound tennis balls at each other while simultaneously letting out an oprgasmic "ahhhh" at the contact point, watch these two!! It's as close as you can get to porn with no cable, plus you can tell your girl your just studying up on women's sports. Wow what a man!!

Ya so I told you, not much goin on kids best bet is to watch the drama unfold tonight at the NBA draft and hope regular season baseball starts to pick it up because this Bonds HR watch ain't gettin any play here...Gdayyyyyyy sir!

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Are You Not Entertained??!!

Every time I see this show I'm inspired all over again. After another fantastic episode last night, this is what I thought before, and some more thoughts:

4/14/07
So i turned on the tv last night and guess what was on ESPN classics: American Gladiators! Man did it bring back some memories. it got me thinking: what with all the garbage reality shows on TV today, how is American Gladiators NOT on the air? i mean what can possibly be more entertaining that watching regular joes getting hammered by 'roided-out meatheads in red white and blue spandex? Nothing! In fact, I say if they bring it back, they not only keep the spandex, but also the cheesy gladiator names, the mortal kombat-looking referee, and the bad hairdos. Tell me Malibu's surf mullet and Nitro's overzealous anger arent the greatest things you've ever seen on live television....

Fast forward to present: Three late-night-snack-and-hanging-with-the-girlfriend-on-couch-watching-random-tv episodes later, I'm still sent into awe and side splitting laughter. Who knows why they pulled this show. I mean it ran a good course, some 6 years, spanning a dozen or so gladiators and about 20 different events, but I look at television today and wonder, "where are you, high school running back turned actor turned extreme athletic competitor?? o where art thou -5% body fat arms bigger than most men's legs sweaty-perm she-ra?"
And although the early season shows look just rundown and underbudgeted now--the old wrestling mats (bland red and blue), experimental gadgets (things breaking, falling apart, twisting together, or players just not using them right), and shadowed crowd of 4 rows back (I know, they filmed at universal studios what can you expect?), TODAY, all these setbacks would be eliminated and American Gladiators would look more badass than ever before. I envision a more refined version of the later seasons, when they discovered the art of dimming the house, shining the equipment, and flashing strobelights from the rafters.
So what can YOU do to help resurrect this ageless classic?? That's an excellent question! Luckily, I found this petition online aimed at bringing the American Gladiators back to your living room. After my signature, they've got 10,163 petitioners. And look, let's face it. If you're a dude born in the early 80's you have a moral obligation to sign this petition. I mean just look at the episode of Family Matters when Urkel and Carl competed on AG against one another?? That was sweet, 'cause they came out dead even after the Eliminator and we all know that never happens. It's usually a blowout, even on comebacks. Either way, if that episode didn't make you want to be a contender on American Gladiators growing up, then Ice is uglier than your face in the morning.
Oh and I also posted a clip of Turbo's punching of a contestant in Swingshot in the random videos section to the right. Use it to rejunvinate your American "juices"--- I dunno about you but I'm cooking up a list of new events I wanna see if they do raise this show from the depths. Hm if I may be so bold this just might be a recurring segment.

My Sister beat Derrick Lee up today

Boy oh boy the tempers on these guys, brawls everywhere... first of all I gotta say this was a big boy fight. A fastball from Padre Pitcher Chris Young grazed the face of Derrick Lee and Lee took offense while walkin over to take his base. Chris Young stands at 6'10 and Derrick Lee stands at 6'5, but don't let that fool you. I give props to Lee for squaring up on Young, eyeing him down then finally lettin the female gangstah in him out. Turns out C.Young was actually tellin him "dude brah I wasn't throwin at your head...that's my skull, nahaha" apparently Lee didn't catch it and said "whatchoo said bout my mama?" and immediately threw a punch equally hard as a 3rd grade girl can throw and missed Young by about oh eternity's physical square footage mass. Young then woke up and startin layin wood repeatedly, dudes pretty conservative on the mound and with his demeanor, but he was all over it, and did his best Mayweather impression. Lee coincidentally follows Piniella as he runs out and tries to stop things, lets his whole team get in front of him and starts pointing fingers and yellin things we can't say in a PG movie...tough! somehow Piniella ended up on the floor and Jake Peavy looked like someone just fooled around with his little sister and went apeshit. 5 game suspensions were given today during the fallout and fines I'm sure will start tallying in due time. Can't we all just get along? just for a little bit?
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I.Snell. As in...I Snell A Buncha Wussies!

This little blurb, according to mlb.com:

Ian Snell will miss his scheduled start Tuesday with a burn blister on his right index finger. Snell burned his finger while grilling chicken for a salad he was preparing for himself. He thought he'd be able to pitch Tuesday anyway, but the Pirates aren't going to take any chances. With the off day Monday, he can easily be pushed back to Saturday. Tom Gorzelanny will be moved up to get the start on Tuesday

I just love these stories where we get to find out the inside scoop on athlete's going-ons at home and the intricate details of their injuries..

JUST KIDDING. Shut up and play ball!!! as we like to say. I don't care if you burned yourself. Or if you were cooking chicken at the time. Not even if it was out of Wade Boggs' cookbook-- just euphemize it as a "domestic mishap," wrap it up, and move on. Your club's at the bottom of the central division barrel; tell your pitching staff you're not afraid of tainting your 5th ranked ERA and you wanna go out there and pitch, dammit! Don't forget you're a PIRATE for godsake. See that WWJD bracelet (What Would Johnny(Depp) Do?) on your burnt hand? Good! Think of allll the pirates before you who fought for their rightfully deserved booty with ONE EYE and ONE LEG and pull yourself together.

Come to think about it, maybe Snell pulled a Vlad Ram and lied about it to avoid breaching statutes of contract. Broke a bone shredding the alpines of Colorado? Now ya slipped on a patch of ice. Secretly indulging in your favorite hawaiian pasttime, fire juggling??? Oops, looks like now I burned my finger on a piece of chicken. Maybe he really is cooler than I thought. But I guess we'll never know.

Coming or Going?...do we even care anymore?

Turncoat Bryant met in Spain with Jerry Buss yesterday and asked to be traded from the Los Angeles Lakers to a team in the Eastern Conference or a competitior in the West. Bryant's huge concern is the direction of the franchise and how lackluster it has been over the years. Last month Bryant fired the first shot on Dan Patricks radio show demanding to be traded, but later retreated after talking to Coach Phil jackson one on one. The Lakers then vowed to make some changes and to build around Bryant (wow, what a concept), but thus have not since and obviously with this news Bryant is growing tired of the idleness which has loomed GM Mitch Kupchak since the leaving of Jerry West. Teams discussed in possible trades have been Phoenix (don't even think about it), New York (Bryant loves MSG), and Chicago (Best bet considering the talent the Lakers can acquire for Bryant). No word yet on if Bryant has already retracted his comments for a 10th time, and wants to take the Lakers to another title because he bleeds purple and gold and wants to be a Laker for life, yadda yadda yadda. My thoughts on the matter...DO something!! Bryant as erratic as his behavior has been since the fallout between him and Shaq and the Denver case has a point, although I think he's jumping the gun here and this all may be a ploy to get the front office to pick their thumb out of their ass, the moves Kupchak and Co. have made the last couple years are dumbfounding. Albeit salary cap is a factor the choices of players the Lakers have signed talentwise and court smarts are non existant. In no way should I feel they should trade the greatest player in the game, but in no way do I still feel he makes his team better no matter who he plays with. As much as this year he did accept a leader role, his teammates are either too gunshy to choose to follow him or they just don't want to!...and thats a reflection on his character a reflection that tells me when the lights are on Kobe plays leader, but when the lights are off there is no Kobe. He's very quick to point fingers on the court, and to a team that is young there's nothing worse then your leader making you look stupid in front of 20,000 people no less a National audience. Remember the showtime Lakers? Kobe needs to take some notes on Leadership...not once did Magic do this, sure he ripped into em everyone deserves a ripping, but calling out your teammates is a different story. Either way there's trouble in Tinsletown and the Lakers Organization is under tremendous pressure to turn this around quick, with absolutely no room for error. The Fans want change, Kobe wants change and so does Jack Nicholson...get off your ass and make a statement your the LA Lakers for crying outloud.
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